will you make frenship with me?

I don't get Web 2.0.

Now, don't get me wrong - I get pretend-your-page-is-a-fruit-when-choosing-colors, and the turn-nouns-like-'friend'-into-verbs bit. It's very sixteen year old, but I understand that some mentally ill folk think that's the right direction for humanity to head. But what completely baffles me is what drives people to befriend strangers with orange scarves, tag photos of their dogs with labels like 'nice' and 'cute' and 'no-I'm-not-a-stalker', exchange personal information and generally waste space on the Internet. Everyone knows that that space could have been put to better use.

I'm not mentally ill. I'm adventurous though. So I decided to dive right in. Dumpster-dive, to be exact, into the dark murky under-world of social-networking. I got myself an account on Orkut.


11:45AM: Yay! I going to get myself an account on Orkut. I'm going to be hip. I'm going to be cool. I'm going to be 'connected'. I'll be surrounded by people at parties, who'll hold up their glasses of golden whiskey and laugh hysterically at my jokes. I'd probably do a Russian-dance too for them - you know, with my arms folded and my legs kicking about.


11:47AM: Registration: I notice Orkut's registration is like a first date. Bloody pesky little questions. What's your favorite color? What food do you like? What color underpants are you wearing? Are you a virgin? Gah! What next? Are they going to ask me how I like my sandwiches cut (diagonally - I can't eat them otherwise), which activity takes most time in my mornings (tieing my shoelaces - both ends have to be of the *exact* same length) or which animal didn't turn up for the party that the lion threw (the giraffe - it was trapped in the fridge, that sometime before held an elephant who was packed in 3 steps). People just assume that you'd answer any question they'd ask.
I plod along. I notice they have an question about which religion I'd like to register under. The dramatically large list of 6 options offers 'atheist' as one possibility. That's like listing 'transparent' under 'favorite color'. Must discuss with other smug atheists the gross injustice we're constantly subjected to.


11:57AM: Yay! I'm done with the interrogation. I'm now connected to 370 million users. No really. 370 million. I'm freakin' popular. And to think I didn't even have to list 'Russian Dance' under 'Activities'.

No really - 370 million. Apparently I'm connected to all the bacteria on the Earth too. They're just like us - going around telling other bacteria that they're on Orkut to 'reconnect with old friends' while in fact, they're there to obsessively spy on their ex's lives.


11:58AM: Now the tough bit - connecting. See, this is where I think social-networking fails: Orkut encourages you to contact people you've spent an entire life-time avoiding. There's a reason I'm not in contact with these people, you know - they're dull as light-brown lint on a dark-brown sweater.

Either way, I'm on my way. I add yathin and smokediceman and acmurthy. I add un4given_pthoo and noelladsa and adityaferrari and nithya. Halfway through through this essentially entertaining process of rating my friends, I notice I've been assigned a number. It stares me cold in the face. 'Bipin(17)'.
Seventeen.
bee i pee i enn. seventeen.

I look around my friends list. Noella and Nithya are 308 and 650. Crap.
Now anyone who's caught the slightest glimpse of me knows that I come from this organization of human beings who believe that the sole reason we're put on earth is competition. Sometimes, we're referred to as men. Sometimes we're referred to as 'stop-staring'. But yeah - the purpose of life - forget god and evolution and glory - is competition damnit. I'm not going to take 17 lying down!


12:07PM: Apparently, in this twisted little game, adding more friends gets you more points. I add teemus and g00fy and mekin. 'Bipin(20)'. Yes! I add floopilot and preets. 'Bipin(22)'.

12:09PM: 'Bipin(24)'

12:13PM: Jackpot! Jackpot! 'Bipin(31)'

12:15PM: Muhahaha! come here my darlings, come. I've got a little army of minions now - Orkut states Bipin(36). I shall rule upon thee with the mightiest force. Days will turn into nights. Ice-cream into milkshakes. The black reign of Bipin has arrived.

12:25PM: 'Bipin(40)'

12:32PM: I'm breaking into a sweat. I've been consciously avoiding my dirty, dark secret. I don't know 308 people. Who am I kidding? I'm never going to beat her. I'll lose. I can see her now, bowing down to the applauding crowd. She'll oblige of course, and do a Russian dance herself. Orkut ho', I grumble.


12:56PM: 'Bipin(41)'


12:59PM: Hey, look at this fascinating message left by one user:
"Hi!!!!!!! Gud day! I have long soft hairs, like you only. Make frenship with me, na? Plsssssssss!!!!!!!!"
I doesn't look like the girl befriended him though. It's a pity - by his description, he was an awfully cute, earnest golden cocker-spaniel.
No, but seriously, is this how boys are getting girls now-a-days? Smooth talking them about the texture of their hair? No wonder I'm single. And all along, I thought writing soppy love stories got chicks.


13:05PM: Ok, I'm befriending people I barely know now. People I was too good for in college. Crap. 'Bipin(44)'

13:47PM: Bipin(45).


14:00PM: This is just taking too long. It's rather ineffective, you know. They should provide us with and API or something to find the friends of your friends. Wait, maybe I can just write a little program to scrape the page, find friends, follow their friends, and send them 'friend-invites'. All automatically. I can personalize the message too - thanks to my patented algorithm which no one uses. Ok, here's the process then - find a user; find a friend X we have in common; tell her that X thinks that we should be friends. Give her the exact specification of the rate of growth of my hair, the shampoo I use and the luminosity of hair pre and post-bath. Sit back. Drink some cold, cold iced-frappe. See my score go through the roof.

Wait, automating the process is sooo web-1.0. Crap.


14:23PM: I know what I'm going to do - I'm going to change my user-info: I'm now 21. Female. And bi-curious.

'Bipin(4,456,234)'.
Game. Set. Match. Russian Dance. Bipin.